In Unbecoming, Karen Emenheiser's down-to-earth, honest, and bold perspective on life sheds light on how we all have our faults and flaws, but through God's grace, we are also all worthy. Like all of us, Karen has struggled with feelings of doubt and shame, but over time, she has become "determined to be unapologetically me while I walk closely with God toward becoming the best version of me."
Karen did not set out to write a Christian book, and that's not really what Unbecoming is, but it's important to understand the basis behind it. One night after Karen lost her temper and cried to God in frustration, a realization hit her like a bolt of lightning right in her heart. Then a voice popped into her brain that said, "My Grace is sufficient for thee." She realized then, "It was God's mercy and love letting me off the hook. Not a 'try harder,' not a 'hang in there; you'll get it.' But a genuine, 'You are off the hook.'"
Once Karen had this realization, life became a little easier for her. She learned how to focus on behaviors to keep her triggers from being united-triggers that come from past traumatic experiences. She came to understand that the difficult people in her life weren't really assholes but just anxious people who lose it when they are triggered. Understanding that, she developed compassion.
And there's a lot of compassion in Unbecoming for everyone. Karen walks the journey with us, exposing all her faults and fears and telling us how she deals with the difficulties in her life, giving us tools to deal with them in our own lives. She knows these tools work because she's seen them help others. As a therapist who helps people in the Military, especially families who have had a loved one who has been deployed and separated from the family long-term, she's seen how these practices have helped her clients succeed in healing or strengthening their relationships.
That doesn't mean that unbecoming is easy. Even though Karen has counseled a lot of married couples, she's also had her own marriage struggles. She reveals that she once told her husband she hated him. She talks about how hard it was to have spent the months before they married proving to him she was perfect, only to have him realize after they were married that she had flaws and she then had to deal with his criticisms. Plus, she and her husband have very different personalities. She is fun-loving and outgoing, while he is far more reserved. It took a long time for both of them to quit trying to change or control the other and just accept each other for who they are.
One of the biggest problems we create for ourselves is trying to pretend to be someone we aren't to other people. I love Karen's advice on this topic: "Stop trying to keep up an image as if your worth rested on it. Jesus tells a man in the Bible that if he wants to be perfect, he must sell all his stuff, give the money to the poor, and follow Him (Matthew 19:21). He doesn't say to accumulate more, know more, be more, or do more. In fact, just the opposite... get your worth down to nothing and stop aspiring to being something great. Perfection is a product of having and wanting nothing. Unbecoming rather than becoming."
One of the biggest problems we all face in unbecoming is an inability to live in the moment. We are usually bemoaning something from our past or anxious about something in the future. I love how Karen makes her clients realize this by asking them, "Do you have a problem right now, as in, in this moment?" At first, her clients don't get it, but eventually, they respond, "No, I don't have a problem in this particular moment, at this time, in this room." Karen then encourages them to routinely ask themselves that question when they feel anxious or angry. Almost always the answer to it will be no. Having tried this myself for a few days, I am amazed by the remarkable calming feeling it gives me.
Perhaps the hardest part of unbecoming is coping with the trauma from our past. It can make us into angry, scared, or difficult people. To be happier, we must heal from that pain. To help us heal, Karen shares tips on anger management and how to avoid being passive-aggressive. She shares how to influence people rather than try to control them. She asks us to put our problems into perspective since many of our problems are First World problems and hardly life or death matters. And best of all, she talks about how we need to take risks to heal our past. Here she shares the incredible story of how she nearly refused an invitation to meet with her childhood bully and how that meeting helped her heal and change her perspective.
There is much more in Unbecoming to reflect and chew on, but ultimately, it's a call for learning to accept and love others unconditionally. Toward the end of the book, Karen says, "The tough-lovers of the world have little grace for messy people. What if we could love someone with all the support and dignity they deserve and the grace and mercy that's been given to us... ? We need more 'you do you'-today's expression of grace and mercy."
I hope in Unbecoming, you will discover the grace and mercy awaiting you. Then pass it on.
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